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Thursday, April 16, 2009

For the Day After Tax Day: Dubious Pats’ Items #239-244

By Rocky:

I was kicking around NFLShop.com looking for something to blow my tax return money on (I keed, I keed) and clicked on the Patriots category.

Quick semi-Pats related tangent: On Tuesday’s
PFW In Progress Fred Kirsch brought up the point that media outlets tell us to spend to jump-start our economy and then turnaround and report that Americans don’t save enough. Let that sink in. It’s Pats-related because it was on PFW In Progress during which 1/3 of the banter on is non-Pats talk—like this gem—but who else is giving that insight?

Anyway, in the spirit of non-Pats stuff labeled as such, here’s the first entry in the Patriots' bucket on NFLShop.com that caught my eye and it was on page one of 44 pages (or fifth item of 392).

If you have $44.99 to burn on a shitty ceramic Soup Tureen with Ladle buy this piece of garbage. The Shop lets you know that it can be also used to “dish up some football.” First of all we don't dish soup, we ladle chowder out of a pot. As long as Bravo has no reason to run a Real Housewives of New England we won’t be served from a tureen. NFLShop.com suggests that this monstrosity can be used as a candy dish or cookie jar; how many Fun Sized Snickers or trays of homemade chocolate chips would it take to sufficiently fill a roughly 100-squareinch sixth grade kiln project?

Then our blood boiled when NFLShop.com pushed the Super Bowl XLIII “Believe In Now” Tapestry for $39.99 under the Patriots' buying guide. Do you know what keeps one warm for free on cold New England nights? Being held. If the XLII Super Bowl referees were aware of holding last year's tapestry would be fine to put in the Pats bucket. This is like a smallpox blanket...

Seriously, what the Brady is this? It’s called Forest Face and the sell is, “decorate your favorite tree with team spirit with this officially licensed NFL® team forest face from Team Sports America.” If we did read Lord of the Rings and we did want to make ents Pats fans we would. But for now the only thing we’d put on an oak is: Blaugh + Belicheck = Heart (platonically).

And then, fashionably worse than a mesh hat or Crocs, NFLShop.com offers Patriots Zubaz. Not even in sweatpants form--for $16.99 per yard! Surprisingly Patriots’ Starter jackets from the same era are unavailable.

Speaking of other whacked-out ideas, in the following post you’ll see Greg’s breakdown of the Patriots’ schedule, but on ESPN’s Page 2 DJ Gallo only picks two Pats’ games as “must-sees” (vs. Bills and at Broncos). Obviously there are 16 of those.

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