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Monday, August 17, 2009

The Name-ies

By Rocky

We lost another great name in Le Kevin Smith. Let's take this time to honor the Patriots with great handles. Without further ado, we present the 2009 Pre-Season Name-ies:

The Shakespeare. a.k.a, A Rose is a Rose By Any Other Name Award

Close your eyes (just pretend to, as you need your eyes to read this post). We are sitting a man down in front of you. All you know is that his name is Pierre. Can you picture him? What do you see? Oh a little guy with a béret, a thin moustache and a baguette under his arm, you say? OK open your eyes.

Ahhhhh! Pierre Woods is 6-5, 250 pounds.

Runner up: Myron at 310 pounds.

The Ellis Island. Names that went out of fashion with knickers

Sebastain Vollmer

In the antiquated names department we put Sebass over Titus Adams due to two tiebreakers: his headshot and the fact that the German’s middle name is Georg which is one letter off from the best cheap vodka in the world and that's totally pants.

Fitz. (Fits)

Tank Williams. Actually we were thinking that he hits tight ends like Sherman tanks plowed through Europe yet according to his bio: "Tank's given name is Clevan, but he was nicknamed 'Tank' growing up because he drank so much milk as a kid that his sister told his mother that she should 'give him a tank of milk instead of a bottle.'" So it's more of a Frank the Tank thing.

Speaking of consuming…The Runner Up is Vince Wilfork everything in front of him into his mouth.

Adrianne Award. When this Rocky appears on radio shows it’s about a 78% chance that they play him out with Rocky theme song, Gonna Fly Now. Oh how witty "Jerkass and Not-funny-chick Morning Zoo Show."

We feel your pain Alex Smith and like the more popular, Alex Smith, we sympathize with having small hands.

Runner Up: David Thomas

The Paperclip. An award named after Microsoft Word's annoying "helper" who should have jumped in when the recipient’s parents were signing the birth certificate.

Herana-Daze Jones. That’s pronounced "Hernadez."

Runner Up: Seriously? "Herana-Daze"

Confuses Old Guys Award.

Goes to the Law Firm.

Week 1. Us, "Hey Grandpa who's #42 on the Pats?" Him, "Oh that's Ben Ellis Greene."

Week 2. Grandpa, "Man that Jarius Ellen Ben can run."

Week 3. Grandpa, "Why aren't they playing Bernie Javelin Elton?"

Week 4. Grandpa, "I told you they should always play Elias Gregg Jabberwocky." Us, "You mean BenJarvus Green-Ellis?" Grandpa, "That's what I said."

Runner Up: Kevin Faulk


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