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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A Patriots Blauhg PSA: The Five Stages of Patriots’ 2010 Grief


By Rocky

Step 1: Denial. If you were like me you didn’t believe that Ray Rice took the first play from scrimmage to the house and then Brady didn’t get stripped on our third play from scrimmage. And then you certainly couldn’t believe that in the second half you paced around your den quicker than Moss was running his routes. 

Step 2: Wicked Pissed. Did you hit something (not someone, hopefully, BUT BELICHICK SHOULD HAVE THROTTLED HIS D-LINE)? Did you rip your Brady jersey to synthetic threads? Did you burn your Patriots Snuggie™ in effigy? Did you knife a drifter in the gall bladder to watch him curl up into a ball, vomit and then bleed on to death? Then, great, you made it through the second step!

Step 3: Bargaining. “I’d give up Richard Seymour and not winning a Super Bowl for a first rounder next year.” “If Ray Lewis gets picked up to go to jail for killing a guy and the Ravens have to forfeit the game then I’ll turn myself in and be his bitch for lancing the vagrant.” “At least we aren’t one of the eight who don’t get a cap (see below post).”


Step 4: Depression. I listened to a lot of Morrissey and The Cure in the second half to avoid the play-by-play and, because I was hurting the remainder of the evening. I also turned off my cell phone, lights and heat because who cares? I thought about how emo kids are lucky that they aren’t sports fans. Could you imagine being a cutter and a diehard? You wouldn’t make it through a season. I turn my cell phone on later that night to set my alarm clock–and see if I got any sympathy texts; one from when the game was in its infancy reads “Pats rn’t lookin 2 sharp.” I think about pitching a set of branded knives to the Patriots Pro Shop “If this your last purchase don’t go down I-95, cross the Mass Turnpike after leaving Patriot Place to get the job done.”

Step 5: Acceptance. I read Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” Tuesday night and it wasn’t awful. It was suspenseful, had a great cadence, bad passing arm, receivers who drop passes and a weak secondary, but then again any team can win with the right formula on any given Sunday. I don’t look at Vegas’s lines for next Sunday. I don’t scrutinize reports about ailing Patriots. I don’t scour San Diego sports blogs for chinks in their armor. I receive a call from a friend, “What you up to this weekend?” I answer, “I’m free.”

If you haven’t progressed through the stairs to fifth step leave your browser open to this page and hopefully your significant other will read this and then they’ll understand. In no way do I think that I’m permanently at the last step, at various moments I slip on a metaphorical roller skate down to the first. Check back here to see what mood we are in.

Side note: I penned this at 4 AM and couldn’t remember the stages of grief so I texted the only person in my phone who I figured would be up at this un-Belichickian hour. My Internet is spotty (read: stolen from a neighboring building). He didn’t respond so I sent the query to the text information service KGB and they sent me back the five stages and then told the guy who asked about the Stages of Grief at an odd hour, me, “Feel better!”

-30-

7 comments:

  1. Yup... went through all of those, lol. The wicked pissed stage was the worst. Took off my jersey & called Brady a piece of crap. Felt terrible later. It's all good. Next year. ;)

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  2. I scared my family in my rage. Stopped watching after the first interception thrown. But I kept hopping on my computer and cell hoping shit would change in the second half like when you peek through your fingers at a scary movie. I am better now but damn.

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  3. Yeah same here, lol. My family thought I'd lost it once I called Brady a piece of crap... cause I never say a bad word about Brady, lol. It was just anger. I have since repented, haha.

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  4. with the line issues this year we are damn lucky Brady didnt get hurt again!! this august we will all see some great things - GO PATS!

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  5. Greg from the Blaugh- I tried everything i could, switch jerseys, switched types of beers, switched flavor of wings, switched spots on the couch....nothing workedd...

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  6. we will be all set in 2011 we got a 1st round draft pick then and welker will be back and edelman will be really good by then i'm calling it now 2011 super bowl champions

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