When I was 17 I was a moron. I had green hair, wore plaid pants that smelled like the previous owner (who probably died in them), and modeled my political views after Rage Against the Machine lyrics. Yet for some reason our society decides that this is the age where I’m supposed to make the most important decision of my young life, where to go to college. My choices were an awesome city on the east coast (Boston University), warm weather and sunshine (Southern Cal) or staying close to home (Purdue). Like the 17 year old dumbass that I was I chose Purdue. It was in West Lafayette that I first encountered the bottom of the barrel of humanity, Colts fans.
There are a million and one reasons to hate Colts fans, the most obvious is that they stole one of the most beloved NFL franchises in the middle of the night and moved them to the Asshole of America, Indianapolis. For those who have never been Nap Town only has 2 redeeming features. 1. It’s not Terre Haute. 2. A bar that serves Yoohoo bombs. That’s it.
For years the Colts were terrible. The one highlight of their pre Manning existence in Indy was when Jim Harbaugh almost took them to the Super Bowl in 1995 despite being a mediocre 9 win team. There weren’t really any Colts fans to hate, they just didn’t care. Then Manning arrived and everyone in Indiana became a diehard Colts fan over night. They were loud, obnoxious and, best of all, they didn’t know a goddamn thing about football.
Every time that the Colts fall short, especially against the Patriots, Colts fans are quick to provide 1,446,568 different excuses. It was pass interference! We had to play outside! You’re not allowed to tackle Peyton! Bitch, bitch, bitch. Shut up already.
My buddy Foss was in the market for a Colts jersey around 2003. I’m pretty sure it was for his girlfriend at the time, at least that’s the cover story I remember. The only jersey he could find other than Manning was Vanderjagt. What the hell? People other than the kicker’s family would buy their jersey?
I have very fond memories of the Divisional Playoff game in 2004. Colt fans were so sure that it was their year and they couldn’t stop talking about their unstoppable offense. “Peyton Manning threw for 49 TDs! The Pats are dead in the water!” I kept giving the counter argument that the only Manning to Harrison touchdown would involve Rodney. We all know how that turned out.
When the Colts finally won a Super Bowl* I thought Colts fans would get a bit more tolerable. Good God was I wrong. It just made them multiply. Every time I go out to a bar to watch the games there is always a table full of jackass Colt fans wearing Dallas Clark jerseys and screaming for flags every incomplete pass. I hate them so much, oh so very, very much.
Although I hate to admit it I’m going to feel a little badly for the Colts on Sunday night. Not only will they have lost the game but they’ll have to go back to Indianapolis, and that’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
*I have no idea who they beat to win this Super Bowl. I actually have no recollection of the game at all. I think that some guy named Rex may have thrown some really horrible interceptions for the mystery team the Colts played, I just can’t remember. I must have some sort of mental block.