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Saturday, December 24, 2011

Patriots vs. Dolphins Preview

By Rocky

Hey, the game is in less than a half-hour—run home from the Ann & Hope right now. Go. You don’t need to get your brother-in-law a waterpik, you got him one last year and the year before that, and you don’t even like the guy, you especially don’t like the way he crosses his legs when he sits. Where does he think he is, on Letterman? And it really bugs you that he never gets up to get you a beer. Fine, in the first year he and your sister were dating he was a guest at your parents’ house for Christmas but now he’s family, he can make a run to the fridge. You know what? Screw him and his non-beer grabbing, oddly crossed-legged sitting position, get him the waterpik (if the line is short or if the checkout girl doesn’t have hoop earrings. The larger the hoops the slower your transaction). Wait, from the way your brother-in-law sits perhaps he has a condition with his legs that makes it difficult for him to walk? Oh you are a jerk. All this time you’ve been stealing sips off his beer—a transportation fee—and he’s a bloody cripple. Better get the deluxe waterpik, the titanium one. And from now on you are pouring his beer into a frosty mug. Oh this is bad karma. And on Christmas Eve of all days. You don’t deserve anything this year. Give everything you get to charity, to a cripple charity. Oh the game, right, running out of time so we’ll make this…dammit the check out girl has hoops and Lee Press-On Nails…the Phins should have beat the Pats earlier in the season, then went on an epic slide and are currently on a nice uptick. We think Matt Moore is a competent quarterback (making him a near-Pro Bowl selection with the group of jags currently under center) and Reggie Bush looks like Ricky Williams, not when he was on the Dolphins but college-Pretty-Ricky-Williams. However who’s more potent on offense than us? Except save the Packers and on any given Sunday, the Saints, nobody. We will win in a Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle, shoot your eye out shoot out. Take the Pats and the points (because it’s not fun to root for a win with no cover) and, no, we don’t need an Ann & Hope credit card, no, we don’t need the waterpik gift-wrapped, we got a game to watch sister!

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