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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Charlies Chalk of the Week: Football betting at its best

By Charlie
bodyHere you go, boys.

2011 Record: 3-1-1

Wow. 3-1-1. I am a genius. I must also point out that the loss came on my bonus pick last week, so my record should really be 3-0-1 if it were not for my vast generosity. This week I'm going to change the format a little bit in that I'm going to give you 3 picks once again. The Bungals have officially started a trend and we're riding that baby out until it ruins us. This week they have the 49ers and a line of 40.5. Am I the only one out there that sees the offensive juggernaut the Bengals have become? Offense alone can't win overs though, you need to pair it with a fairly inept defense, and the Bengals do that quite well. So I must ask myself, "Who Dey? Who Dey? Who Dey gonna think the Bengals will not hit dat over?" I am not the Who Dey they speak of. TAKE THE OVER!

This is a very emotional pick for me. As a Bears fan it breaks my heart to say TAKE THE PACK -3.5. Many say that you shouldn't use your emotions while gambling for good reason, but I choose to go the other way. This way if the Bears lose, which I am afraid they will, I can still take some satisfaction in the fact that I've got some extra scratch. Of course this money will promptly be spent on mass amounts of booze to drain my sorrows as a once promising Bears season already starts to crumble. It will be nice to drown those sorrows in black label instead of Jewel Brand Scotch.

Last week I refused to take the Lions with a 9 point spread. I talked myself out of it mainly because I am terrified that Stafford will get injured on every play. Even on plays when he doesn't get touched I assume he's probably torn his anterior collateral nose flexor or some other body part that I'm not sure actually exists. What did the Lions do to prove me a fool? They went out and absolutely destroyed the Chiefs, not to mention the thousands of fantasy teams whose season's ended when Jamaal Charles went out on an injury possibly caused by the Lions mascot. This week the Lions match up as 3.5 point favorites against division rival Minnesota. This season the Vikings have proved themselves capable of losing to a team without a kicker in week 1 and giving up a 17 point lead at home in week 2. I wouldn't be surprised if they scored 50 points or if Donovan McNabb threw for more than 19 yards. What would surprise

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Charlies Chalk of the Week: If Betting was legal

By: Charlie

Charlie For the Season   1-0-1

Here you go friends!

Well, I got us off to a good start last week at 1-0-1. Gotta love pushes, right? You don't win, which sucks. But you don't lose, which is totally bad ass. So it's kinda like you didn't even make a bet at all, which is sad and depressing. So you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to give you a super special bonus pick! Michigan St heads into South Bend to take on the Fighting Irish. Sparty is 2-0 and has looked pretty good. The Irish are 0-2 and have looked brilliant at times, and completely inept the rest of the time. Yet for some reason Notre Dame is still a 6 point favorite. TAKE SPARTY. If Sparty doesn't win I don't have any faith in ND winning by more than 3. Isn't it wonderful when Notre Dame sucks?

 On to the real picks. There are a lot of huge spreads out there. I know for a fact that the Steelers are going to destroy the Seabags, it's going to get ugly. Yet the idea of a 14 point spread terrifies the shit out of me, there is no way I'm touching that. I feel the same way about the Lions game. They looked amazing, but 9 points for Detroit? No thanks, at least not yet. Keeping it in the NFC North that brings us to the Vikings. Donovan McNabb threw for roughly 6 yards last week (I may have rounded down) and the team looked like garbage. Yet they are 3 point favorites against a Buccaneers team that I think is still pretty good. I think Tampa wins this one outright so you should definitely take Radio Raheem and THE BUCS. I might even throw this bad boy in a moneyline parlay to put the odds in your favor with some big favorites if your bookie is a kind soul.

 And last but not least let's talk about the Bungals. Are they good? Probably not. Did Cleveland absolutely poop the bed last week? Sure. Do I want to try and start some sort of streak where I keep betting the Over on Bengals games? You're goddamn right I do. It's only a 40 point line for Bengals/Broncos so you know I LOVE THE OVER. Mmmm, sweet, sweet points. If you can get action on the distance of longest field goal kicked against yards gained by Knowshon Moreno I say take the field goal, that guy is a useless sack of crap. Let's stay undefeated this week!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Reviewing Game Film of the Bill Belichick Documentary

By Rocky,

The first half of NFL Films' documentary Bill Belichick: A Football Life was delight, it was gripping, it had great insight and pace, it could have been seven hours longer for my money. BB did come off as an inspiration and a person. It truly is better when you can't script the stuff. Any way here are my notes from last night's viewing. If you have it DVRed and are waiting to see it two things: First there are "spoilers" below, and no chowderhead the spoilers aren't the scores of the '09 season. Secondly, what are you waiting for? Stab yourself in the meaty part of the thigh with a Bic pen and then tell your boss you need to leave work and go seek medical attention only you just go home and watch the documentary. Also watch your artery and use a red pen for a steeper dramatic effect. Let's go under the hood on the film. Break down:

-He's got both a self deprecating and a  schadenfreudian sense of humor. In pregame warm-ups he told Matt Light to not stand near him "they might try and throw a ball at me, miss and hit you." And when Edelman started out hot on punt returns he spent a good amount of time trying to figure out which player was it that Lou Gehrig replaced.

-He hates Philadelphia, saying that the only thing he'd cheer for in Philly is the National Anthem. Guess where we are going Week 12!?!

-Favorite son of New Jersey, Bon Jovi detests Rex Ryan.

-Did Kraft bait Seymour into giving him a reason to make the trade when he asked Seymour if this was the best Patriots' squadron he was in camp with. i.e. "Are we so good that we can manage without you?"

-It was touching to see Robert and Myra Kraft welcoming Bruschi at the anniversary event. Glad to get such a dynamic couple on celluloid.

-Belichick might have sold me on his argument for celebrating after a play. I had never considered his point-of-view and falsely always assumed he was anti-celebrating.

-Little love from BB on Parcells when referring to him as "the boss" and referencing his smoking.

-Errr...even BB is seduced by the Pin-Toy which sat on the corner of his desk.

-Belichick told Ed Reed that he is the "best free safety to ever play the game." I wonder how many times he tried to make a play on getting Reed in the red and blue?

-Terry Francona screens his phone calls and didn't pick up for BB.

-Even refs hate the stupid Fruit Stripe Gum throwbacks.

-BB smack-talked with Mason and won with the "Scoreboard" retort. The equivalent of throwing rock against scissor.

-One of the Krafts is conscious of Fantasy Football as they referenced Brady's stats during the Titans' snow route.

-I never pegged Belichick as a footloose and fancy-free guy but he was bare-footed on his boat, wore flip-flops with jeans and during a tenuous meeting slipped his dogs out of his tennis shoes. I may have been the only one to notice that, well me and Rex Ryan.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Stay Thirsty My Friends

By JR,

If you are going to The Razor this weekend, Tom Brady would like you start drinking early. That is all.
Let's go to the video tape!

Bill Belichick: A Football Life

By Rocky,

Cancel your evening plans, tonight the NFL Network (9PM Foxboro Time) airs the first part of Bill Belichick: A Football Life. BB let NFL Films mic him up for the 2009 season—including the crushing Colts game. From the looks of the trailer BB shows signs of being a New England human: He fishes! He coaches his kid! He jokes around! He had a teddy bear! He slouches in his office chair when talking to his boss!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Brady Got Style Tips from Belichick

By Rocky,

@si_vault Tweeted this pic of BB on the Wesleyan lax team (he's top right). The locks look familiar—I'd cast him in an Uggs commercial.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Things I Scribbled Down on My Cocktail Napkin Last Night

Looking back on the night

By Rocky, 

The Dolphins' Time’s Square Defense (mulling around) is something we’ll probably see a lot this year to throw off Brady’s audibles.

Brady looks as cool as the condensation on my beer in the pocket—even as guys are diving at his legs.

Woodhead is a legitimate starting NFL running back (and he’s listed as our starting FB).

Chung’s sack late in the first half was a gusty-brilliant call. That was the game-changer.

Why so many Reggie Bush jerseys in Miami already? Good stat on TV: he only has 1 100-yard rushing game. (He went onto rush for 38).

The Dolphins look fine, the Bills look pretty good, the Jets look great, we look invincible….

…Well not the secondary. Certainly not the secondary, and Dear McCourty, stop celebrating when you break up a pass ever once in a while, it’s only once in a while, save your energy for not getting beat.

Dear Solder, I think I love you.

Our special teams are special.

The cameras keep finding Icognito for dodgy plays, but in actuality I bet Henne would take a holding penalty to be given the chance to walk without the assistance of a cane.

The American Flag cleats are boss.

As a Seton Hall alum I didn’t like seeing Belichick in a Rutgers’ shirt during clips for his documentary. We all have our faults, I’ve found his.

The bar’s throng held their breath when Brady sneaked it, but as Koppen proves it’s the offensive lineman who are in more peril in the scrum.

Hey Mr. Henne, meet Myron Prior, also Vince Wilfork.

The 99.53146262 yard touchdown by Wesley Welker was fantastical. Fitting it was in Joe Robbie/Pro Player/LandShark/Sun Life stadium.

Also it was fitting in Miami that one of the Phins (Hartline?) did the skiing celebration. Cocaine zinger.

The Gronkowskis are my favorite tag team since the Dudley Boys.

I don’t know why but I just wrote down “Brady!”

Belichick is trying to get Brady the record.

My fantasy league has extra points given to QBs for 300+ and 400+ passing yards, I better get a cookie for 500+.

No cookie, no justice, no peace.

We have an offensive juggernaut but we should still sign Randy Moss, he can play safety. 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Charlie's Chalk of the Week, and Have You Hugged Your Bookie Today?

By Charlie

Sweet glorious football has returned to us. I was a little bit afraid that the NFL wasn't going to show up this year. I was prepared to deal with it though, watch some hockey, get way into college football, maybe even go to a corn maze. You know who wasn't prepared to deal with the void of football? My bookie. For one thing he was wiped out from my attempts to make exotic wagers on obscure summer sports like the women's world cup and caber toss. Secondly his pocket book would be hurting without my weekly donations. It's not that I don't pick winners, I can do that from time to time. It's that I LOVE parlays. If I can bet 5 games for 1 low price to win an enormous amount of money, why wouldn't I want to do that? And don't tell me because the odds to win are incredibly low Mr. Naysayer. It'll work out as it always does.

So, this week I'm sure all of you are wanting to do the same exact thing I want to do, bet everything you own against the Colts. Manning is out and I couldn't be happier. I hate the Colts with the burning intensity of 10,000 suns. The only thing worse than the Colts is the city they play in. That being said, DO NOT bet against them this weekend. The line has moved to 9 and it'll probably keep getting bigger. As good as Manning is I have a feeling that Wayne, Clark, Addai and friends are still pretty good without him, good enough to keep it close. 


You know what line I do like though? The Titans at +2 in Jacksonville. Now that Davey Garrard is gone I don't expect the Jags to do anything this season. They'll stick in McCown for a week or two to make it look like there are trying, get obliterated each week, and then put in Gabbert to see if they'll have a franchise quarterback for when they move to LA next year. As far the Titans go I think Hasselbeck has a little something left and that they should be a fair to middling team all season, but this week they should stomp a mudhole in Jacksonville's ass. Titans +2, mark it down!  


The over in the Bengals/Browns game (35.5) seems like a nice bet too. As crappy as those teams are I'm thinking that they will be able to put up some points. If Thursday night's game was any indication it looks like the defenses will be a little rustier than the offenses coming out of lockout. Have fun! And if the Chalk of the Week doesn't work out for you please don't throw a brick through my window.